Refining

I've blogged about "God never gives you more than you can handle."
The phrase still drives me insane.
I saw one recently that made me shout for joy. It says "God doesn't give us what we can handle. God helps us handle what we are given"
 A thousand times yes! So many times I've just broken down, certain it couldn't take another step, my heart broken in a thousand shattered pieces. And He picked me up, healed my heart and took me to the next grand adventure.

We're there again. Two weeks ago, it looked like another "I just absolutely cannot do this, God!" situation. But He brought us through it rather quickly, thankfully. We have a long road ahead still, but it's not as devastating as it originally appeared.

Initially, it looked like another of my precious babies was going to struggle with mental illness. Anxiety attack led to the emergency room, which led to a medication, which produced hallucinations of a terrifying magnitude, which led to a second emergency room trip, wherein the admitting physicians somehow missed the fact that she'd been given a medication that was known for the hallucinatory side effect in young people, which led to a 12 hour stay in the psychiatric side of the ER. They were talking schizophrenic break.

I sat in the hallway outside the locked ward and cried, huge, racking sobs. It kills me to watch my oldest child wander in this fog called schizoeffective bipolar, to see her son abandoned frequently by the most important person in his life, knowing that his bond to her grows weaker every time she wanders away again. I'm so thankful for the bond he has with his auntie, but shredded that a 17 year old child is a single parent, without even having delivered a child. Three people directly affected by one illness.....not to mention the rest who love and support the former teenaged cave dweller. It impacts us in ways I can't begin to fathom.

So to hear that my Pickle appeared to be suffering the beginning of a journey that seems nightmarish to me was like receiving a death notice, in my mind. Thinking that this already fragile, open, big hearted beautiful girl might be lost in a different fog was more than I could handle. I couldn't even rely on my faith in that moment, because all I wanted to do was scream at God and beat on His chest, and tell Him how much I HATED HIM for allowing these two beautiful, talented, amazing creatures to suffer through this.

It took a bit, but they eventually released her that night to us with an appointment to a pediatric psychiatrist the next morning. An hour of chatting with the psychiatrist was an eye opener. The ER docs decided it was a schizophrenic break because the first set had labeled her as "hyper religious", and "isolated homeschooler". She had been reading her Bible when the panic attack had started. She repeated the story for every person who asked. They had noted that "all she talked about was her Bible". I laughed at the "isolated homeschooler". My gas budget wishes we were more isolated! The psychiatrist figured our we weren't hyper religious by what we watch on tv.....Dr. Who, X-Files, Criminal Minds, CSI, Friends......

It's at this moment, generalized anxiety/ADD affects but not ADD/attention affects, but not ADHD. Ok then. Beating on God's chest gets His attention sometimes.

Or does it?

Her blood work was off too.

Seems that my Pickle's thyroid is in failure. And we had no clue, no need or reason to ever think it should be tested.

With her symptoms, we chose to test her and Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell's thyroid is ok, but she issuper low in Vitamin D(common for celiac patients).

Pickle starts with a pediatric endocrinologist next week.

Turns out.......thyroid issues can manifest as psychosis. Anxiety. Depression. Not JUST weight loss or weight gain.

Already, from sharing this, we've had FIVE, count them, FIVE people with depression issues tell us they are going to have their thyroid tested.

I've begged my oldest to get tested. We shall see.

So, beating on God's chest actually got my attention. And I'd like to share with you. I generally don't take my kids for a lot of doctor appointments- they tend to be super ok healthy. But from now on, this family will be doing an annual bloodworm up, checking all kinds of levels. Because when you already have one autoimmune issue, health troubles can lurk just below the surface.

Oh. And this grand adventure? Duck now wants to be a pediatric psychiatrist to help her sister. And let me tell you what.......
 Child is determined to unschool her way to bring a doctor. She has a stack of books on human anatomy, and is learning to READ while copying anatomy terms.

There is a plan. I just need to trust His process.

It's still terribly difficult watching my oldest wander in her fog, but I'm learning to trust. I used to think my trust was complete, my faith was whole. Seeing now that it can always grow.

Minimalism: how much stuff?

I just read a post about minimalism....how little or how much. The phrase was made to the effect of "the things that are needed in each room to live"

It got me to thinking.....what do we require to live? The kids and I have read the Little House series, and whoa. They had very little. And they survived. They thrived. They didn't keel over because they didn't have an xbox, a big screen tv, 40 outfits and a microwave.

I'm drowning in stuff. My kids are pack rats.

Confession? Sotto voce......

They come by it honestly. Mama and Daddy are pack rats too. Hoarders if we aren't careful. Not out of compulsion, just out of laziness and future speculation. We might NEED those spurs one day, right?

So, I'm on a quest. How much is too much? How much is too little? Where do you draw the line and say the hobbies(like spinning, knitting,reading, crocheting , quilting, and so on) are too much?

I'm curious. What do you need to live?

The journey of mothers

All mothers have a unique journey. Some seem to have it all together. Some are an obvious wreck. Some have it a little easier, some have it a lot harder. Where are you in your journey?

I am in a lonely place. I feel very lost as a parent, as I watch my oldest struggle with mental illness, and try to support her without enabling her, all the while protecting her son and her siblings without causing her to go into a tailspin. Then there are all the people who hear her diagnosis and roll their eyes in disbelief. My own inability to truly understand all that she deals with, can't deal with, won't deal with.

Where are you in your journey as a mother? Do you have a support group, or do you feel lost in the adventure?

A simple Mercer Meyer book....
Sometimes they forget. Forget they are too big to play gently. Or that the little princess is too little to dance a tango. Or that Mom's pet peeve is dirty laundry that no one picks up.
But sometimes Mom forgets that they simply......forget.

Custom knits

I've decided to start knitting custom knits. MAINLY woolies(soakers and longies to cover cloth diapers), but I'll take on just about anything.
So there's an etsy store in the making and a facebook page. Look for fibersnob on facebook and fibersnobbed on etsy!

There's a saying that people toss out casually when they learn you are having troubles. It's "God only gives you as much as you can handle." I recently read an article that refuted that. And even that article doesn't begin to touch on how angry I feel when people tell me that.

I'm at a point of certain I cannot cntinue on the path I am on. I'm weary. I'm tired of people telling me how much they admire me, think I'm Supermom. I'm not someone to be admired. I'm not Supermom. I'm a living, breathing, walking talking failure at all I've taken on. Because I have chosen poorly in my past. I can choose better in my future, but that doesn't fix the circumstances I live with now.

I will be honest. I'm terrifically frightened of what lies in my immediate future. I am very up in the air with a lot in my life, and I hate that feeling. I feeling a LOT like Raymond from the movie "Rainman", when he realized he was going to miss Judge Wapner. I'm more than a bit frantic right now.

So please, don't tell me that God never gives us more than we can handle, because right now, I'm staring at a tough old elephant for dinner, with no fork, knife, salt or butter.

Too too long

It's been entirely too long again since I blogged! I've gotten slack since moving back down south.
The barn is still in proress. Darling has bounced from job to job a few times since being laid off from the oil rigs, so finances have been a wee tight. We still have all the goats however! In fact, the goats have been saving the day! I started a small business that seems to have exploded...I am That Crazy Goat Lady(like us on facebook! My husband will tell you) and I have a ton of flavors. My darling love shared some with people who work at Cabela's in Sidney, Nebraska and they claimed my fudge to be better than Cabela's. *blush*

And we had a big surprise take us by stoem on Mother's Day, and then a few weeks later in person.
I am now a grandma. o.O

My oldest child chose Mother's Day to break the news of her impending pregnancy and a few weeks later Frodo arrived approximately 6 to 8 weeks early, after Teen's water broke in the tornadoes that hit Tiny Town, Wyoming on June 8  of this year. He is doing marvelously however, and he and his Mama now are back home with us full time so Grandmoogle can babysit while Mama finishes school. It's not easy for most people to understand when I say how proud I am of her, but if you knew our long story, you would. That little man has changed her life in so many marvelous ways! He and Uncle Rocketman are the best of friends and will one day terrorize the neighborhood!

I'm just busy trying to finish Christmas fudge for family and friends to mail out next week, so I don't get caught in the holiday rush like I always do.

Hoping to get back here sometime this week again!