Then why have children?

I'm meeting all kinds of people these days. Don Juan is taking me on a new journey. He was just diagnosed with dyslexia. None of us were really surprised. At nearly 10, he still isn't reading and his ability to decipher phonics shifts as quickly as the sands in the Sahara, from poor to adequate, to poor again and then to excellent. We knew about his apraxia of speech-5 years of therapy has given him a voice. we discovered his brain integration disorder this fall and have taken steps to address it. But he was still struggling with phonics, spelling, and even numbers. His speech clinic tested him and he is over the top dyslexic. Telling him the diagnosis was like watching a thousand pound weight lift off of him. It made me feel wretched for him. Then, spending the money to get him a kindle and several whisper-sync immersion reading audio books, I really felt like a heel. He devoured "The Lightening Thief in 3 days, begged for a Bible, then finished "The Wizard of Oz" in 2 days. he's currently working on "Tom Sawyer" and listening to several Minecraft adventures.

Despite his inability to decode print, he IS a reader. That makes my heart soar.

I had an interesting encounter with a parent though, after discussing homeschooling and dyslexia. MANY parents feel dyslexia is a very solid reason to homeschool-your child isn't put in a box that restricts their strengths. They can utilize their positives to enhance the negative in a homeschool setting. Public schools may hold a math genius back because they aren't a strong reader. I feel that the public schools fail kids with disabilities like this.

I digress. A parent admitted they didn't know too much about homeschooling. Several of us expounded on the positives of it. She came back with "Eh. It doesn't sound like my kind of thing. It seems too inclusive." I assumed she was referring to the socialization argument that many lay out in regard to homeschoolers(like the emergent\cy room assuming with Pickle that she was an isolated homeschooler). I immediately jumped on the bandwagon, listing all the things my kids are involved in. She came back with the notion that she didn't mean isolated, but basically that she didn't agree with the fact that we get to choose what our children learn.

I'm still profoundly befuddled by her words, by her notion that we as parents shouldn't get to choose what our children learn. To me, this thinking is profoundly dangerous. To abdicate our rights and responsibilities as parents? To believe that the public school system-or any institution for that matter-is infallible is the worst mistake one can ever make as a parent.  Yes, teachers are educated. But the current Common Core standards of education and standardized testing controls what any district will teach. Teachers-the good, the bad, the indifferent-have no say in what is taught or excluded. They have no say in the curriculum if their state adopts Common Core. And an educational system that turns rote memorization of basic facts, such as addition or multiplication into a process that takes a child hours to complete is asinine.

We've taken away parental rights in so many arenas, and for some reason, people think it's ok if the government increases their power over our families. We as a nation have accepted the notion that a title or a degree makes them an authority and we should bow to them.

Having the right to educate my children is an amazing privilege and responsibility. Having them around me all day leaves me humbled and full of awe. Yes, I confess, there are days when I am overwhelmed, when they fight all day over the color of the sky. But I know my children and their personalities, emotions, health intimately. It doesn't take much to see when something is off. Who wouldn't want that amazing blessing?

I know to you, it may sound arrogant or snotty, but if you aren't intending to raise your children, why have any? And I don't say that as just a homeschooling mom. I know kids who attend public school that have incredible parents that are involved in every aspect of their lives. They ask questions. They are there to help with science experiments If a portion of the curriculum is unacceptable, they make noise. I have no doubt my public school parent friends are amazing parents. But they also don't expect someone else to raise their child or make all the choices.

Be a parent. Don't let the powers that be do it for you. One day, you may have no voice at all.

Refining

I've blogged about "God never gives you more than you can handle."
The phrase still drives me insane.
I saw one recently that made me shout for joy. It says "God doesn't give us what we can handle. God helps us handle what we are given"
 A thousand times yes! So many times I've just broken down, certain it couldn't take another step, my heart broken in a thousand shattered pieces. And He picked me up, healed my heart and took me to the next grand adventure.

We're there again. Two weeks ago, it looked like another "I just absolutely cannot do this, God!" situation. But He brought us through it rather quickly, thankfully. We have a long road ahead still, but it's not as devastating as it originally appeared.

Initially, it looked like another of my precious babies was going to struggle with mental illness. Anxiety attack led to the emergency room, which led to a medication, which produced hallucinations of a terrifying magnitude, which led to a second emergency room trip, wherein the admitting physicians somehow missed the fact that she'd been given a medication that was known for the hallucinatory side effect in young people, which led to a 12 hour stay in the psychiatric side of the ER. They were talking schizophrenic break.

I sat in the hallway outside the locked ward and cried, huge, racking sobs. It kills me to watch my oldest child wander in this fog called schizoeffective bipolar, to see her son abandoned frequently by the most important person in his life, knowing that his bond to her grows weaker every time she wanders away again. I'm so thankful for the bond he has with his auntie, but shredded that a 17 year old child is a single parent, without even having delivered a child. Three people directly affected by one illness.....not to mention the rest who love and support the former teenaged cave dweller. It impacts us in ways I can't begin to fathom.

So to hear that my Pickle appeared to be suffering the beginning of a journey that seems nightmarish to me was like receiving a death notice, in my mind. Thinking that this already fragile, open, big hearted beautiful girl might be lost in a different fog was more than I could handle. I couldn't even rely on my faith in that moment, because all I wanted to do was scream at God and beat on His chest, and tell Him how much I HATED HIM for allowing these two beautiful, talented, amazing creatures to suffer through this.

It took a bit, but they eventually released her that night to us with an appointment to a pediatric psychiatrist the next morning. An hour of chatting with the psychiatrist was an eye opener. The ER docs decided it was a schizophrenic break because the first set had labeled her as "hyper religious", and "isolated homeschooler". She had been reading her Bible when the panic attack had started. She repeated the story for every person who asked. They had noted that "all she talked about was her Bible". I laughed at the "isolated homeschooler". My gas budget wishes we were more isolated! The psychiatrist figured our we weren't hyper religious by what we watch on tv.....Dr. Who, X-Files, Criminal Minds, CSI, Friends......

It's at this moment, generalized anxiety/ADD affects but not ADD/attention affects, but not ADHD. Ok then. Beating on God's chest gets His attention sometimes.

Or does it?

Her blood work was off too.

Seems that my Pickle's thyroid is in failure. And we had no clue, no need or reason to ever think it should be tested.

With her symptoms, we chose to test her and Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell's thyroid is ok, but she issuper low in Vitamin D(common for celiac patients).

Pickle starts with a pediatric endocrinologist next week.

Turns out.......thyroid issues can manifest as psychosis. Anxiety. Depression. Not JUST weight loss or weight gain.

Already, from sharing this, we've had FIVE, count them, FIVE people with depression issues tell us they are going to have their thyroid tested.

I've begged my oldest to get tested. We shall see.

So, beating on God's chest actually got my attention. And I'd like to share with you. I generally don't take my kids for a lot of doctor appointments- they tend to be super ok healthy. But from now on, this family will be doing an annual bloodworm up, checking all kinds of levels. Because when you already have one autoimmune issue, health troubles can lurk just below the surface.

Oh. And this grand adventure? Duck now wants to be a pediatric psychiatrist to help her sister. And let me tell you what.......
 Child is determined to unschool her way to bring a doctor. She has a stack of books on human anatomy, and is learning to READ while copying anatomy terms.

There is a plan. I just need to trust His process.

It's still terribly difficult watching my oldest wander in her fog, but I'm learning to trust. I used to think my trust was complete, my faith was whole. Seeing now that it can always grow.

Minimalism: how much stuff?

I just read a post about minimalism....how little or how much. The phrase was made to the effect of "the things that are needed in each room to live"

It got me to thinking.....what do we require to live? The kids and I have read the Little House series, and whoa. They had very little. And they survived. They thrived. They didn't keel over because they didn't have an xbox, a big screen tv, 40 outfits and a microwave.

I'm drowning in stuff. My kids are pack rats.

Confession? Sotto voce......

They come by it honestly. Mama and Daddy are pack rats too. Hoarders if we aren't careful. Not out of compulsion, just out of laziness and future speculation. We might NEED those spurs one day, right?

So, I'm on a quest. How much is too much? How much is too little? Where do you draw the line and say the hobbies(like spinning, knitting,reading, crocheting , quilting, and so on) are too much?

I'm curious. What do you need to live?

The journey of mothers

All mothers have a unique journey. Some seem to have it all together. Some are an obvious wreck. Some have it a little easier, some have it a lot harder. Where are you in your journey?

I am in a lonely place. I feel very lost as a parent, as I watch my oldest struggle with mental illness, and try to support her without enabling her, all the while protecting her son and her siblings without causing her to go into a tailspin. Then there are all the people who hear her diagnosis and roll their eyes in disbelief. My own inability to truly understand all that she deals with, can't deal with, won't deal with.

Where are you in your journey as a mother? Do you have a support group, or do you feel lost in the adventure?

A simple Mercer Meyer book....
Sometimes they forget. Forget they are too big to play gently. Or that the little princess is too little to dance a tango. Or that Mom's pet peeve is dirty laundry that no one picks up.
But sometimes Mom forgets that they simply......forget.

Custom knits

I've decided to start knitting custom knits. MAINLY woolies(soakers and longies to cover cloth diapers), but I'll take on just about anything.
So there's an etsy store in the making and a facebook page. Look for fibersnob on facebook and fibersnobbed on etsy!

There's a saying that people toss out casually when they learn you are having troubles. It's "God only gives you as much as you can handle." I recently read an article that refuted that. And even that article doesn't begin to touch on how angry I feel when people tell me that.

I'm at a point of certain I cannot cntinue on the path I am on. I'm weary. I'm tired of people telling me how much they admire me, think I'm Supermom. I'm not someone to be admired. I'm not Supermom. I'm a living, breathing, walking talking failure at all I've taken on. Because I have chosen poorly in my past. I can choose better in my future, but that doesn't fix the circumstances I live with now.

I will be honest. I'm terrifically frightened of what lies in my immediate future. I am very up in the air with a lot in my life, and I hate that feeling. I feeling a LOT like Raymond from the movie "Rainman", when he realized he was going to miss Judge Wapner. I'm more than a bit frantic right now.

So please, don't tell me that God never gives us more than we can handle, because right now, I'm staring at a tough old elephant for dinner, with no fork, knife, salt or butter.