Refining

I've blogged about "God never gives you more than you can handle."
The phrase still drives me insane.
I saw one recently that made me shout for joy. It says "God doesn't give us what we can handle. God helps us handle what we are given"
 A thousand times yes! So many times I've just broken down, certain it couldn't take another step, my heart broken in a thousand shattered pieces. And He picked me up, healed my heart and took me to the next grand adventure.

We're there again. Two weeks ago, it looked like another "I just absolutely cannot do this, God!" situation. But He brought us through it rather quickly, thankfully. We have a long road ahead still, but it's not as devastating as it originally appeared.

Initially, it looked like another of my precious babies was going to struggle with mental illness. Anxiety attack led to the emergency room, which led to a medication, which produced hallucinations of a terrifying magnitude, which led to a second emergency room trip, wherein the admitting physicians somehow missed the fact that she'd been given a medication that was known for the hallucinatory side effect in young people, which led to a 12 hour stay in the psychiatric side of the ER. They were talking schizophrenic break.

I sat in the hallway outside the locked ward and cried, huge, racking sobs. It kills me to watch my oldest child wander in this fog called schizoeffective bipolar, to see her son abandoned frequently by the most important person in his life, knowing that his bond to her grows weaker every time she wanders away again. I'm so thankful for the bond he has with his auntie, but shredded that a 17 year old child is a single parent, without even having delivered a child. Three people directly affected by one illness.....not to mention the rest who love and support the former teenaged cave dweller. It impacts us in ways I can't begin to fathom.

So to hear that my Pickle appeared to be suffering the beginning of a journey that seems nightmarish to me was like receiving a death notice, in my mind. Thinking that this already fragile, open, big hearted beautiful girl might be lost in a different fog was more than I could handle. I couldn't even rely on my faith in that moment, because all I wanted to do was scream at God and beat on His chest, and tell Him how much I HATED HIM for allowing these two beautiful, talented, amazing creatures to suffer through this.

It took a bit, but they eventually released her that night to us with an appointment to a pediatric psychiatrist the next morning. An hour of chatting with the psychiatrist was an eye opener. The ER docs decided it was a schizophrenic break because the first set had labeled her as "hyper religious", and "isolated homeschooler". She had been reading her Bible when the panic attack had started. She repeated the story for every person who asked. They had noted that "all she talked about was her Bible". I laughed at the "isolated homeschooler". My gas budget wishes we were more isolated! The psychiatrist figured our we weren't hyper religious by what we watch on tv.....Dr. Who, X-Files, Criminal Minds, CSI, Friends......

It's at this moment, generalized anxiety/ADD affects but not ADD/attention affects, but not ADHD. Ok then. Beating on God's chest gets His attention sometimes.

Or does it?

Her blood work was off too.

Seems that my Pickle's thyroid is in failure. And we had no clue, no need or reason to ever think it should be tested.

With her symptoms, we chose to test her and Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell's thyroid is ok, but she issuper low in Vitamin D(common for celiac patients).

Pickle starts with a pediatric endocrinologist next week.

Turns out.......thyroid issues can manifest as psychosis. Anxiety. Depression. Not JUST weight loss or weight gain.

Already, from sharing this, we've had FIVE, count them, FIVE people with depression issues tell us they are going to have their thyroid tested.

I've begged my oldest to get tested. We shall see.

So, beating on God's chest actually got my attention. And I'd like to share with you. I generally don't take my kids for a lot of doctor appointments- they tend to be super ok healthy. But from now on, this family will be doing an annual bloodworm up, checking all kinds of levels. Because when you already have one autoimmune issue, health troubles can lurk just below the surface.

Oh. And this grand adventure? Duck now wants to be a pediatric psychiatrist to help her sister. And let me tell you what.......
 Child is determined to unschool her way to bring a doctor. She has a stack of books on human anatomy, and is learning to READ while copying anatomy terms.

There is a plan. I just need to trust His process.

It's still terribly difficult watching my oldest wander in her fog, but I'm learning to trust. I used to think my trust was complete, my faith was whole. Seeing now that it can always grow.